Got Any Skag On Ya Phone?

9 June 2022

I think I might be the most terminally online person I know.

I lost my phone a week ago and I think quitting cocaine was easier.

Older zoomers unite and subscribe to Smosh. Anthony left to become Hasan Piker 2.0 or some shit, but I'm sure it's still as good as it was in 2007. I mean, yeah, what WOULD Pokemon be like if it was real life, am I right?

Anyway, my sheer devotion towards data-stealing, fascist-enabling, mind-rotting social media apps is so toxic that when I don't have any internet I simply just reread the posts that sit in my newsfeed. Once I reach the bottom of Facebook's bottle I migrate to Instagram, like an alcy switching from the beer to the gin. I look at the stories that sit at the top of my phone, clicking as fast as I can just to get rid of them. I don't enjoy it. Then there's Reddit, Twitter, Discord, Snapchat, TikTok. I love it in a way. That way being that I fucking hate it.

I talk in memes, references to long-lost Vines and TikTok sounds. Most of what comes out of my mouth is discernible to about 100 people living right now. I should be hung for crimes against the English language, honestly. I used to be smart. I actually used to enjoy reading.

Did anyone else like The Lonely Island? What about Jenna Marbles? Ray William Johnson's =3? I tried to re-watch the shit about a year ago, no wonder I'm mentally ill if this is what I enjoyed during my formative pre-teens. All my idols fell, the walls collapsed around them as they called a child playing Modern Warfare 2 the n-word.

So back to it, I don't have my phone. Someone stole it while I was in Barcelona. I'm not angry, per say, I just hope the culprit and their family die in an horrific house fire. Sitting around there really is fuck all to do, isn't there? I started reading a book. That shit is so fucking boring. Words? Really? I want to watch videos of people I don't care about doing things I have no interest in. Genuinely.

I trended on Twitter on 2016, I think that was the true start of the problem. It was like I was doing pills semi-regularly and smoking weed every now and then, but trending on Twitter, good Christ, that's like intravenously taking heroin in a German whore's basement. There's no coming back from that. Highway to the fucking danger zone.

Losing my phone was the equivalent of an intervention, being section and being banged up in rehab. The thief was my doe-eyed friend who was sick of me vomiting on their cat and selling their records for a fix. Thanks thief. Oh wait, no, fuck you.

So there we go. I'm only writing this because I hate the interface on desktop versions of social media. And I don't have a phone. And I don't want to work because I'm coming off the back of a hangover that's been nicely brewing for over six days. Going to publish this and then go to my work toilet and have a little cry, probably. Bye.